I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Randomize
