WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I wish there were birth control emojis
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
