Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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