I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
