I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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