Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
