btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
