With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
