If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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