You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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