do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
This baby is an asshole
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
