i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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