the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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