If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
