the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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