Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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