Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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