my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
