he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The air taste purple.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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