I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
