Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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