I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
