so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
