I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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