My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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