Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i think im in europe. pls send help
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