his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm having to shit out rocks
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
