i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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