He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
