I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
