Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
