: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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