1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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