shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
