There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
