At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
