i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Randomize
