could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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