Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
