I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
