Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
