Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
