see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
