The maid of honor just puked.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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