My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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