I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
