I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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