How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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