i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
