Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She told me I should be a condom model.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
